you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Randomize
