Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
