Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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