All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
