Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
