One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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