You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
