So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
