Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
