Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
