her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
