I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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