That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
