remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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