i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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