Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
