last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
