I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
