I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
