In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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