Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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