I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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