i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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