Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
