I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
