So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize