I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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