She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Randomize
