I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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