So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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