Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
