Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
