made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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