we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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