someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
