Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
