Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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