you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
We just shotgunned beers for America
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
