I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
