I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
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