Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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