I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
