You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
