My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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