also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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