You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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