i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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