peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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