How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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