I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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