i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
