My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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