Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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