disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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