haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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