the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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