Cold hands, warm shart.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
