You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
