atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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