I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
