Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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