Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
