Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
